did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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