I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
