both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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