If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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