dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
