He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize