Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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