apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I love you. Go after that dick
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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