Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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