If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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