I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
