So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
