I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
