stop calling my apartment porn island.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
birth control should be required to get into college
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
