The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
