direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
