I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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