broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
