Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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