make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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