1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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