fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
