You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
