Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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