I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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