just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
