I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Someone shattered a urinal.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
