i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
