In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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