why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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