if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
