do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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