you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
