I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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