I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
