He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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