I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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