Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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