Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
