I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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