hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
