Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
