Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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