youre lurking in front of me
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
