I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
