Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
