this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
