You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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