The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
