im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
