my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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