running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
