I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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