i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
