why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
