I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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